ITV - TV for idiots, by idiots.

It's time for the government to take a stand and declare that all sport, no matter how trivial or frivolous must only be broadcast on the BBC, because it's painfully obvious to any sport lover, that the cretins at ITV aren't capable of putting together a good broadcast.

To prove my case, let us focus on the debacle that was tonights Champions League fixture between Manchester United and Porto. It's still on now, but such is the incredulous ignimony of the show, I've switched off and have decided to vent.

It'd probably be crass of me to catalogue the error strewn show. I like crass.

The first half was standard fare for Tyldesley and Pleat who lapped up the obvious comparison between the poor Man Utd first half, and the last ten minutes of their game at the weekend. There was no mention of the first 80 minutes of dross that had accompanied that performance, nor the fact that this was United's second game in two days, they merely wanted to revel in the teams ordinariness.

Of course, the pair of them couldn't help but note the Porto centre-forward's nickname of Hulk. Like a pair of giggling schoolboys comic book references flowed, as clever Clive called him "incredible," before launching into a back story about Lou Ferrigno, and Gamma Ray's from sun spots. Clearly someone had done his wiki research. The pair of them questioned the validity of having nicknames for footballers, and how long it would be before the idea caught on over here. I wonder what Pele and Socrates et al might have made of it all?

Comparisons were drawn between Ferguson and his opposite number Jesualdo Ferreira, which launched the two of them into a commentary on the age of the managers still left in the competition. Pleat remarked that there were no "caretakers in there," but I suppose that could be a valid point depending on how you view Hiddink's temporary appointment at Chelsea.

The half time analysis was an exercise in stating the obvious, before Steve Ryder invited the question of how United could change things. Rather than allow Sheringham or Townsend the chance to answer, and possibly make fools of themselves, they cut to an ad break during which the ginger chap from Game On, now starring in an Enterprise Rent-a-car ad urged his Mother to the radio on. Perhaps I should have done the same.

The second half started with news from Gabriel Clarke that the Porto manager had pointed at his keeper in the tunnel. Que in depth psychoanalytical skills all round with Clarke joining in suggesting that this clearly meant that he had no faith in his keeper following a series of blunders. Much back slapping abounded when said keeper made two smart stops, as Pleat and Tyldesley basked in the knowledge that they had imparted the reason why he was making those saves.

Pleat as ever was tripping over names as Tevez flicked a ball on to Tevez, and the hitherto unheard of Leandro took to the field in the place of Lisandro. Even when he got the name right, he got the stat wrong. Hulk had, he claimed proudly, got a record of a goal every other game in Europe this year. In truth his record is more none at all.

"This has been one of the best games in the Champions League" Pleat enthused. Quite what Liverpool fans would make of that following their thumping of Real I don't know. Or Bayern fans after their comprehensive last round tie. Or those who witnessed United's 4 - 3 thriller with Real a few years back.

He wasn't stopped with the gems there. When United took the lead he proclaimed that they'd "faced a tough test and risen to the occasion," just a mere minute before Porto equalised. Chances are that he won't be winning tomorrow's double roll over lottery draw.

As the clock ticked down a Porto player went off with a bloodied nose. "Porto have used all three subs," remarked Tyldesley, before Pleat added: "He'll need to hurry back on then." A minute later Porto replaced the injured player with their third substitute, but who needs maths in football anyway?

I didn't stick around for the post match analysis. If there was a choice of providers, ITV would never get my choice. They're the thin end of the wedge, and not just when it comes to the Champions League. Their FA Cup package has been nothing but patronising to everyone outside of the top 4, with the exception of their online content, for which I give them massive kudos.

The BBC's triumphant return to broadcasting the Formula One has been greeted in the way it should have been, with open arms. And ask yourself this, could you imagine the Olympics on ITV? Or the National? Or Wimbledon? Nothing would scare me more.

For this reason alone I get angry when I see people complaining about having to pay the licence fee. I'd happily pay more to keep sport of this channel.

Goody madness might make Parky a Pariah

Let's make sure that throughout this blog, if we're reading it, we managed to keep our brains in gear. If you're going to get all knee jerk on me, then I don't really want, nor need your type in here, so perhaps it's best you stop here and go back to your tabloid as there's probably something in there that will incite the necessary anger you need to make it through your day.

Those of you who's IQ isn't measured in just tens, please feel free to carry on as I celebrate the first piece of common sense that has been unleashed on the nation since the news of Jade Goody's illness was broken.

I am of course going to have to qualify this whole article, as is the need these days, by saying that yes it was a tragic shame that someone my age should lose their life so early. God knows, I'd hate to find myself in her shoes. And I also stand up and applaud the way she went and made her illness public knowledge; there is no doubting that through that she has saved lives, but that is the one and only good thing she has ever done for anyone bar herself and her own.

Parkinson was shrewd in what he said. He both praised and slighted Jade in what he said, but he never once laid the blame at her feet. It wouldn't be possible too in fairness. Jade was a puppet of the media, as a large part of the British public also seem to be. Jade was everyone's favourite panto villain. "Kebab" brandishing thicko racist pig faced chav one minute, princess of Essex the next. The switch in her character as portrayed by the red tops was nothing short of Jekyll and Hyde-esque in it's schizophrenia.

The problem Parky will face, is that he is the first to have the minerals to say it, and it appears that being one of the most respected and well love broadcasters in British television history is scant defence when talking about someone who's best claim to fame was not winning a talent contest, before trying again and being a little bit racist. And being hated by everyone.

The backlash has begun. Those with memories shorter than their sleeves are chastising Parkinson for his "emotionally unintelligent" comments. And yes, I still don't quite know what that means. He has fallen in the estimation of others, which is even more worrying when you consider the high point of their estimation seems to be someone who publically racially bullied someone on national television. It's no wonder then, that the BNP seems to gain more and more popularity if people like Goody are held in high esteem.

There are even those who have said that at least "Goody went out at the top, unlike Parky." If being on Indian Big Brother was the top, as opposed to a forty year career in broadcasting, followed by a dignified retiremtnt, then God help anyone in the public eye. It once again shows that these people simply don't know what they're passing comment on, and that their knee jerk fiery reactions only serve to stoke the smiles of the faceless hacks who seek to build and destroy people at the tap of a keyboard.

There are of course voices of support for Parky which perhaps should restore some faith in the way people view the media, but it's clear to someone like me, who went into this area with wide eyed expectation that everyone was savvy enough to form their own opinions, that this isn't the case. A lot of people simply aren't smart enough to read between the lines, to form their own opinions. Forgive me for being a tad melodramatic, but it's all beginning to feel a little bit like Big Brother and newspeak controlling the Proles.

What we really need to remember however, is that never before has their been such a strong example of the way in which the British public are puppets for the media as Jade Goody. It should send shivers down the spines of all free thinking and intelligent people in this nation, it should also send us scampering for the exits.