It's time for the government to take a stand and declare that all sport, no matter how trivial or frivolous must only be broadcast on the BBC, because it's painfully obvious to any sport lover, that the cretins at ITV aren't capable of putting together a good broadcast.
To prove my case, let us focus on the debacle that was tonights Champions League fixture between Manchester United and Porto. It's still on now, but such is the incredulous ignimony of the show, I've switched off and have decided to vent.
It'd probably be crass of me to catalogue the error strewn show. I like crass.
The first half was standard fare for Tyldesley and Pleat who lapped up the obvious comparison between the poor Man Utd first half, and the last ten minutes of their game at the weekend. There was no mention of the first 80 minutes of dross that had accompanied that performance, nor the fact that this was United's second game in two days, they merely wanted to revel in the teams ordinariness.
Of course, the pair of them couldn't help but note the Porto centre-forward's nickname of Hulk. Like a pair of giggling schoolboys comic book references flowed, as clever Clive called him "incredible," before launching into a back story about Lou Ferrigno, and Gamma Ray's from sun spots. Clearly someone had done his wiki research. The pair of them questioned the validity of having nicknames for footballers, and how long it would be before the idea caught on over here. I wonder what Pele and Socrates et al might have made of it all?
Comparisons were drawn between Ferguson and his opposite number Jesualdo Ferreira, which launched the two of them into a commentary on the age of the managers still left in the competition. Pleat remarked that there were no "caretakers in there," but I suppose that could be a valid point depending on how you view Hiddink's temporary appointment at Chelsea.
The half time analysis was an exercise in stating the obvious, before Steve Ryder invited the question of how United could change things. Rather than allow Sheringham or Townsend the chance to answer, and possibly make fools of themselves, they cut to an ad break during which the ginger chap from Game On, now starring in an Enterprise Rent-a-car ad urged his Mother to the radio on. Perhaps I should have done the same.
The second half started with news from Gabriel Clarke that the Porto manager had pointed at his keeper in the tunnel. Que in depth psychoanalytical skills all round with Clarke joining in suggesting that this clearly meant that he had no faith in his keeper following a series of blunders. Much back slapping abounded when said keeper made two smart stops, as Pleat and Tyldesley basked in the knowledge that they had imparted the reason why he was making those saves.
Pleat as ever was tripping over names as Tevez flicked a ball on to Tevez, and the hitherto unheard of Leandro took to the field in the place of Lisandro. Even when he got the name right, he got the stat wrong. Hulk had, he claimed proudly, got a record of a goal every other game in Europe this year. In truth his record is more none at all.
"This has been one of the best games in the Champions League" Pleat enthused. Quite what Liverpool fans would make of that following their thumping of Real I don't know. Or Bayern fans after their comprehensive last round tie. Or those who witnessed United's 4 - 3 thriller with Real a few years back.
He wasn't stopped with the gems there. When United took the lead he proclaimed that they'd "faced a tough test and risen to the occasion," just a mere minute before Porto equalised. Chances are that he won't be winning tomorrow's double roll over lottery draw.
As the clock ticked down a Porto player went off with a bloodied nose. "Porto have used all three subs," remarked Tyldesley, before Pleat added: "He'll need to hurry back on then." A minute later Porto replaced the injured player with their third substitute, but who needs maths in football anyway?
I didn't stick around for the post match analysis. If there was a choice of providers, ITV would never get my choice. They're the thin end of the wedge, and not just when it comes to the Champions League. Their FA Cup package has been nothing but patronising to everyone outside of the top 4, with the exception of their online content, for which I give them massive kudos.
The BBC's triumphant return to broadcasting the Formula One has been greeted in the way it should have been, with open arms. And ask yourself this, could you imagine the Olympics on ITV? Or the National? Or Wimbledon? Nothing would scare me more.
For this reason alone I get angry when I see people complaining about having to pay the licence fee. I'd happily pay more to keep sport of this channel.
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